3 Easy Steps to Becoming a Better Hobo

As part of my devotion to making this world a better place to live, I proudly present my "3 Easy Steps to Becoming a Better Hobo." Please feel free to print this out and distribute to the most deserving homeless person in your community.



#1- Don't act crazy. This is the first and perhaps the most difficult one for you bums. For the most part, trying to determine if being a bum caused you to go crazy or if the craziness caused your status as a bum is like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg. However, the ramifications of being crazy while begging for money can be disastrous. Here's an example of how being crazy limits your effectiveness in raising money. One day Keith and I were leaving Happy Hour in Hartford and heading back to our respective cars when we were approached by one of the many bums downtown. This guy stopped and asked if he could ask us a question to which we looked away and continued walking. He then began begging for spare change to which we said, "no" in unison and kept walking faster. At this point, he screamed, "I'm black, I'm purple, tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day."

Bang, right there, you're certified crazy and I'm about to break into a full sprint to get away from you.

Other crazy bums try to use the threat of force to get money. This doesn't work either. Telling me that you are going to bite, hit, stab, shoot, or commit assault in any other way doesn't help your cause in gaining any financial assistance. In fact, I'm most likely flagging down a cop to come beat your crazy ass with a night stick.

#2-Develop a talent. Now, we've all seen bums in the subway that can play a guitar or harmonica, that's terrific. Usually I see they have collected upwards of ten dollars in their 'tip' jar, which I'm sure buys a nice little stash of street smack. You other bums, you need to take notice. I understand that you are sitting there reading this right now and saying,"well, Mr. Smart Guy, how the hell can I afford a guitar or harmonica, I'm f'in homeless." Well, Mr. Hobo, I'll respond by asking how you have a computer in order to read this, muahahaha. Perhaps you should sell it and get yourself a guitar.

Now just having this instrument does not guarantee success in pandering. You must be able to play at least 5 songs that people know. I'd recommend practicing a Beatles song or two, really anything that drunk white people like to sing. They are going to be your best clients. Now, just scope out a good spot outside and wait until 2am for everyone to come stumbling out of the bar with a wad of singles. Jackpot.

If you're convinced that you have no musical ability, here's an innovative tip. Clean yourself up a bit in a Port-O-Potty and sneak into Barnes and Noble. If anyone asks why you look like shit and smell bad, just tell them you are an Art History major at a liberal arts college, they will leave you alone. If you are in the Hartford area, tell them you go to Wesleyan, any time I see those dirtbags in downtown Middletown, I feel like I'm in walking around underneath a subway station.
Now, go immediately to the comedy section and memorize some jokes from 'Tasteless Bathroom Humor' If your craziness prevents you from memorizing things, try to get a pencil and scrap paper from the front desk to write down 'artists' from some of your favorite 'art books'. Again, they are used to pot smoking hippy art students having poor memories, they will help you out. Now, you are all set. Come tell me a funny joke on the street. Maybe, even invoke some entrepreneurial spirit, bet me the change in my pocket that you can make me laugh. You then ask me,"what do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?", I'll play along and say I don't know. Then you come through with "Juan on Juan" and bingo, you've got yourself seventy three cents, well done.

A few weeks ago I made a trip into NYC to go drinking. At 3am, my buddy and I were walking back to his apartment and decided to go get some late night food. On the way, a bum approached us, now this wasn't some rinky-dink Hartford bum, this was a Manhattan bum, you know, real legit. Now, his deal is that he will play air guitar with you in the street. The both of us played the second verse of "Free Bird" (second reference to that song in as many posts). We actually enjoyed a nice laugh together, mine a drunken laugh, his a crazy "I'm going to kill you" laugh, but none-the-less we had a connection on some level. Now, I didn't give him any money because I wanted to get an Egg 'N Cheese and only had four bucks on me but let me tell you, he was very, very close to getting the nineteen cents I had left over. But alas, just as quickly as he had appeared in my life, he was gone. (That's another tip, when you loosen up a person and they go into a store, wait for their return, they usually have change from whatever they purchased.) The good thing this bum did was mask his craziness with music, a perfectly acceptable method of begging. The guy was a terrific bum, world class. Hmm, perhaps bums from around the country could come to NYC for a seminar on how to beg, that might be helpful?

#3-Play the sympathy card. Now, this is only for use in extreme instances. For the most part, giving me a sob story is equivalent to telling me you are black and purple and that tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Several bums have stopped me walking to my car after work and asked if I had some spare change as they took the bus into Hartford but didn't have enough money to get home. Now, I was born at night but not last night, you really have to be two kinds of stupid to think I'm falling for that. Do you really think I should help out someone so dense that they came into Hartford without enough money to get home? I like to ask them why they came into Hartford in the first place, it obviously wasn't to work like the rest of us. Usually, they just say, 'fuck you' and walk away emptyhanded. See, you're a stupid bum, we're smart, you're not going to concoct a story well enough to trick most people into having sympathy for you.

One night, my old roommate (the one that likes handicapped chicks) and his younger brother, Brad, were out drinking in New Haven. On our way to get some pizza after the bar, a bum started begging for money and giving us some hard luck story to which Brad yelled, "you should have made better decisions in high school." Aha, once again you have been outsmarted and outwitted by a superior thinker, Mr. Bum, better luck next time.

You always have to remember that you have the mental capacity of a peanut and must avoid trying to tell a complicated story in order to get the money. You leave yourself open to follow up questions that you can't answer and sarcastic remarks that leave us laughing and pushing each other into the bushes and you with no money.

The one thing I've found that occasionally works is "Will Work For Food" signs. Now, you'd have to be crazy to think I'm letting you anywhere near my house to work but at least you're showing some initiative and proving that are at least willing to do something for my hard earned money. As an aside, it imperative that the spelling on the sign is proper. The word "work" does not have an "E" in it, make sure you have someone at Barnes and Noble proofread your sign before you do it in marker. There is one guy near West Farms mall that I acually feel bad for. During the hot summer days, he sits next to the onramp to the highway with a "Will Work For Food" sign. Now, as a child, I was a card carrying member of the Wendy's Birthday Club and to this day, on August 23rd, the good people at Wendy's send a "Free Meal" card to my parent's house. On two occasions, I've picked up the card, drove to the Wendy's near West Farms mall and brought the bum a combo meal. Well, one time I kept the drink because it was hot out and I was really thirsty but he got more than most bums get from me. Mission Accomplished for him.

So remember, don't act crazy, develop a talent, and when appropriate, play the sympathy card. Do these three things and you can make bumming a fun, profitable enterprise to feed your drug addiction.